.....

Okay if you know me, then you know

that I always am attracted to a female character in any movie or tv show.

Female's are more interesting and exciting.

Sure people think its because I'm basically a girl (which is not true)

its because men are normally not interesting for me.... though if they are hot, my jaw drops.

So anyways my point is I love female characters

In Jumper I'm interested more in Rachel Bilson then Hayden

In Kungfu Panda I'm more interested in Tigeress 

In Horton Hear's a Who I'm more interested in the 96 Daughters then the son.

But I was reading things about Horton hears a who

and it made me mad. 

To hear parents going off about how its sexist.

Really?

The mayor's son is the oldest thus meaning he is the next mayor

Its just a movie, children don't think about sexist things

they grow up that way because of parental influence.

Seriously get the fuck over.

BLAH.

1st "Love"

Can you be in love with someone who doesn't love you back?

I will be tormented by this forever.

He is all I see when I close my eyes, on my mind when I don't even realize.

He makes guest appearances in my dreams.

I will always think of it.

I try to tell myself there is nothing

and this wont ever be as I wish.

I tried shutting him out with others, but they were in no comparison

My first "Love"?

though we never had any form of a relationship

and until I find true love

he will forever been my first love.

Quite Profound.

Suddenly

I've been soaked up into theatre.

I went and watched "Suddenly, Last Summer" which was written by Tennessee Williams

two of my friends were into.

I swear I was so caught in the mood of this dramatic play.

I felt a whole lot of emotions

it was simply amazing.

I also enjoyed seeing "Hairspray" On its tour across Canada

and that was pretty awesome

its was fun to see this Musical.

All & All 

I'm enjoying theatre more and more.

Life is about Beautiful Art

and Wonderful Plays

....

 

I love my Best friend

I can't wait to see her,

I miss being able to hang out with her all the time.

Our inside jokes,

playing mario party.

Cuddling and taking pictures.

Funny joke....

She tells this guy that I plan on Visiting

and she plans on hooking us up.

She says lets check him out on facebook

and he says he already has

and thinks I'm Cute.

YES!

I know that even though we live 

on different sides

of this Large Country 

we will be there for each other no matter what.

Tell each other everything & Anything

Calgary Loves Halifax

....

looking at pictures 

makes me want to go back to europe

for a longer time.

Windows

He Laughed.

He Joked.

I simply listened to each word

that came from his mouth.

He looked at me 

with a different look,

this look made me think,

Question

Longing to see where the answer lays.

I hide my boyish crush

behind my window shaped eyes

hopping maybe he will peak in

the curtains are open.

...

The nights come early

snow spiting from the sky

flying all around

Cold yet peaceful

walking step by step

realizing that life has many wonders.

There are many things to see.

...

Questions of life

Questions of death

why is it I feel the way i do?

why do i imagine death, embrace it even.

it's on the quest for an escape

nothing gives me pleasure 

nothing gives me hope

I fake everything

I do nothing.

I want nothing.

I see nothing.

there is nothing.

I AM NOTHING.

I try to remember how I felt when I was

when I was

 I was

 was

but all is see is nothing.

nothing.

In this pit of black

this dark empty area

storms of black

storms of rage

storms of sorrow 

Acid Rain hitting my body

I'm trapped in this body

it's not a body

it's a cage

I am Caged

I am a Beast

I shouldn't exist 

I shouldn't be

I am Nothing.

I feel no emotion 

I'm a brick wall being hit with paint

paint that is the world

which is filled with people

people

people

people

I am nothing.

I see things

I listen

I breath

but still

I am nothing.

I can't cry

can't cry

cry

there are no tears

I'm all dried up

All there is

is pain

Pain of life

Pain of dreams

Pain of pure joy

I am nothing.

I can't handle being around people

the only things that keep me going

Grandma

Mom

Baby Brother

Kitty

but still 

I AM NOTHING!

H-Ween

He got high, he got high, he got high.

he drank a little, he talked a lot.

His smile is so young and so cute.

his eyes sparkle with that sweetness

where you know something is there.

He makes me smile.

Yet only time will tell if anything happens....

I guess we will see

but heres hoping.

....

I'm a little sad

I didn't have my date on wednesday

and that I never got a chance to see him today.

I hope he still comes to the halloween party....

and texts me more.

One step

One step into the the present
I'm not going to live in the future and let myself get carried away with over thinking everything
Things will just happen!


P.S I'm done trying with you
I'm not going to let myself get rapped up in you anymore.
There are other things out there for me....
and I'm as cute as people clam I am then I should just own it
and not let you ruin it for me.
I'm sorry but your wasting my time, when I could what I hope for.

....

I wish you weren't the way you are...
but boy you have me hooked.
I'm hooked on you like there is no tomorrow.
I'm always thinking about what it would be like to be with you
not just "be with you"
I was talking to my friend and she was like
"I don't understand why you guys can't just be together and still have the relationship you have now."
Honestly if only it were that simple....
I wish you were such a complicated guy.

"You don't belong to people forever"
I totally find this quote so true....
but I don't want to not know you.
All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means me not being in you life
as a Boyfriend I understand....
and as much as I want you ( and I want you bad)
I don't want to be you toy.... to be used whenever your horny.

....

I want you to fuck me

and I want to fuck you.

I want you to remember me as your First 

and I want to remember you as mine...

so in the future I can think about it and realize

you were amazing.

...

Have you ever watched a really amazing movie?

and thought I wish life was like this, knowing that it wont work out.

Then have repeating thoughts of how you want things to turn out.

I know that nothing I want from you will be returned

even though I know this I still try, want and wish for it.

You always play the Hot n Cold game on me....

I'm not your play toy.

the whole damn thing

Last night I was shocked to be asked what I was asked,

from someone I thought would never, and when I say never I mean never ask me 

to do that.

He & I have a somewhat history.

When we first met I had no Idea what to expect, he seems like a stereotypical straight guy.

After you get to know him you realize how wrong you are. Sure he doesn't dress or act like

a gay man, but he really is. 

Anyways we met a couple weeks before my birthday, his friend who is my friend was telling me

all about how I have to met this guy, blah blah blah you know that thing where they say a millions things about them.

So I didn't really make a big deal out of it when we met at the bar... I said Hi and cared on with my night... didn't see him again till my birthday, which is in April.

My friend brought him... and the whole night she would tell me... oh he wants to kiss you.

She told me like 5 times... then got drunk and puked on my bed, so we sent her home.

But he stayed, which was weird... I didn't know him, what to expect or anything.

He helps me change the sheets, and lays down.... lucky my other friend decides she is going to come cuddle with him... so I say by to people who are leaving an come back...

he cuddles me and we pass out.

The morning rolls around and we kind of fool around.

Though I don't see him again for 2 weeks... he sends me a message saying throw another party.

which I did, just so I could get him over.

So we go through this whole "party" thing for awhile... with fooling around.

Eventually things get a little more powerful, and it becomes almost every time I see him.

Which was a lot, since he would call and ask.

The one day I thought hey maybe I'll just let him know how I feel, big mistake!

That was the first mistake I had made....

so now the fooling around stops... I felt used....

but I had grown on his friends, and didn't want to stop hanging around them, so I didn't.

I was fine with seeing him, we became some what friends... I could actually have a conversation with him now.

months go by....

and just this week... I gave into him as we cuddled and gave him a Blowjob.

I thought hey maybe things will turn around this time.

Till his sister said he only wanted it to be a one time thing....

so I was like okay whatever.

Last night he asks me.... if I would fuck him and he fuck me.

I thought he must be joking right... and kind of just went by, though I went to 7-11 and got condoms just in case. I mean you never know right.

He was telling his friend, the one who introduced us to tell me when to come get him cause it was happening.... So now I become a mess, I need time to think so I take a walk.

Come back and he's passed out... my friend says he will be ready in 2 hours... when its already 2am...

Well anyways nothing happen cause he got to drunk....

but if something does happen tonight, the next night or whenever... I'll be ready and I'll just take charge before he falls asleep.

And I mean its just the thought that he actually wants to do it with me that is awesome...

Cause apparently when he's done with boys he's done, so I thought he was done with me along time ago.