....

I'm a little sad

I didn't have my date on wednesday

and that I never got a chance to see him today.

I hope he still comes to the halloween party....

and texts me more.

One step

One step into the the present
I'm not going to live in the future and let myself get carried away with over thinking everything
Things will just happen!


P.S I'm done trying with you
I'm not going to let myself get rapped up in you anymore.
There are other things out there for me....
and I'm as cute as people clam I am then I should just own it
and not let you ruin it for me.
I'm sorry but your wasting my time, when I could what I hope for.

....

I wish you weren't the way you are...
but boy you have me hooked.
I'm hooked on you like there is no tomorrow.
I'm always thinking about what it would be like to be with you
not just "be with you"
I was talking to my friend and she was like
"I don't understand why you guys can't just be together and still have the relationship you have now."
Honestly if only it were that simple....
I wish you were such a complicated guy.

"You don't belong to people forever"
I totally find this quote so true....
but I don't want to not know you.
All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means me not being in you life
as a Boyfriend I understand....
and as much as I want you ( and I want you bad)
I don't want to be you toy.... to be used whenever your horny.

....

I want you to fuck me

and I want to fuck you.

I want you to remember me as your First 

and I want to remember you as mine...

so in the future I can think about it and realize

you were amazing.

...

Have you ever watched a really amazing movie?

and thought I wish life was like this, knowing that it wont work out.

Then have repeating thoughts of how you want things to turn out.

I know that nothing I want from you will be returned

even though I know this I still try, want and wish for it.

You always play the Hot n Cold game on me....

I'm not your play toy.

the whole damn thing

Last night I was shocked to be asked what I was asked,

from someone I thought would never, and when I say never I mean never ask me 

to do that.

He & I have a somewhat history.

When we first met I had no Idea what to expect, he seems like a stereotypical straight guy.

After you get to know him you realize how wrong you are. Sure he doesn't dress or act like

a gay man, but he really is. 

Anyways we met a couple weeks before my birthday, his friend who is my friend was telling me

all about how I have to met this guy, blah blah blah you know that thing where they say a millions things about them.

So I didn't really make a big deal out of it when we met at the bar... I said Hi and cared on with my night... didn't see him again till my birthday, which is in April.

My friend brought him... and the whole night she would tell me... oh he wants to kiss you.

She told me like 5 times... then got drunk and puked on my bed, so we sent her home.

But he stayed, which was weird... I didn't know him, what to expect or anything.

He helps me change the sheets, and lays down.... lucky my other friend decides she is going to come cuddle with him... so I say by to people who are leaving an come back...

he cuddles me and we pass out.

The morning rolls around and we kind of fool around.

Though I don't see him again for 2 weeks... he sends me a message saying throw another party.

which I did, just so I could get him over.

So we go through this whole "party" thing for awhile... with fooling around.

Eventually things get a little more powerful, and it becomes almost every time I see him.

Which was a lot, since he would call and ask.

The one day I thought hey maybe I'll just let him know how I feel, big mistake!

That was the first mistake I had made....

so now the fooling around stops... I felt used....

but I had grown on his friends, and didn't want to stop hanging around them, so I didn't.

I was fine with seeing him, we became some what friends... I could actually have a conversation with him now.

months go by....

and just this week... I gave into him as we cuddled and gave him a Blowjob.

I thought hey maybe things will turn around this time.

Till his sister said he only wanted it to be a one time thing....

so I was like okay whatever.

Last night he asks me.... if I would fuck him and he fuck me.

I thought he must be joking right... and kind of just went by, though I went to 7-11 and got condoms just in case. I mean you never know right.

He was telling his friend, the one who introduced us to tell me when to come get him cause it was happening.... So now I become a mess, I need time to think so I take a walk.

Come back and he's passed out... my friend says he will be ready in 2 hours... when its already 2am...

Well anyways nothing happen cause he got to drunk....

but if something does happen tonight, the next night or whenever... I'll be ready and I'll just take charge before he falls asleep.

And I mean its just the thought that he actually wants to do it with me that is awesome...

Cause apparently when he's done with boys he's done, so I thought he was done with me along time ago.